18 Things To Do With A Third Arm:

1. Drink coffee or something stronger, while typing
2. Paper hanging
3. Dial a cell phone while driving
4. Hold all your paraphernalia while booting H
5. Light a cigarette while making an amazing wind screen
6. Opening jars
7. Talking on the phone while rolling meatballs
8. Punch my shaking head while covering my eyes
9. Applauding while still being able to eat popcorn at the ball game.
10. Keep the 3rd one hidden and "WHOA" whip it out with a surprise bitch-slap.
11. Become a guitar legend that no one could imitate
12. Dress up the third like a chestburster from "Alien" and scare people at a hospital.
13. Unlocking the front door while carrying a bass fiddle
14. Mixing a cocktail while drinking one
15. Cutting your meat while eating potatoes
16. Flipping the bird while keeping 2 hands on the wheel
17. Rolling down the window while searching for change at a toll booth
18. Opening the basement door while carrying a basket of laundry

I love movie billboards. I love them better than when the Indians in our building page each other... but that’s a topic for another day. I even love them better than when Lauren pages because she sounds like a 3 year old, I think she should have her adenoids removed… then she might sound like her age.

My last entry had to do with a concert… ok, The X-Men billboard. The Omen billboard recently caught my attention because it would have been my mother's 78th birthday. Luckily, she hasn’t lived to be that old. I don’t think she would’ve liked it much. She was lively and vibrant and had such peace about her. She had an incredible sense of humor – well she married my dad, after all, and had seven children.


In any case, my newest favorite movie billboard is for Superman Returns. Now tell me, does this not seem reminiscent of Christ crucified? I mean, really? Ok, the arms are extended downward, but the cape is certainly a cross. Does this mean that Superman is intended to be a savior. Well, Metropolis may think so, but I don’t. I’m completely dedicated to UnderDog. It’s my belief, that UnderDog, albeit a minor super-hero and often misunderstood and maligned super-hero, is really the guy we need to call on when we’re in a bad way. I’d give real pesos just to hear “There’s no need to fear, UnderDog is here.” Don’t you think that’s way more effective then jumping into a near-by phone booth.

No, I haven’t lost what little bit of my mind I have left. It’s just that I’ve been unjustly accused of having DID – dual identity disease or some such nonsense. Some people believe that “Violet” is the violent ‘other me’. Most of it has to do with the repeated degaussing that I suffer at the hands of the evil Seth. But that’s a topic for another day.

Ok… so maybe I need to have my eyes checked again. My last check up was in May and the doctor said that, with contacts, my eyesight was excellent “for someone your age.” Folks, be careful when an eye doctor says, “For someone your age…” What they’re really saying is “Jesus, how does that woman drive a car???”

Ok… so I drive to work and home every day and I read billboards as I fly by. I’ll admit, some of them peak my interest like 6 + 6 + 06. I figured it was for a movie about the devil, no big deal, right.

So I see this other billboard as I drive up and down Route 130. Now my nephew is car-pooling with me. So I say – “Check out that billboard… who else is gonna be at that concert?” “What concert?” he asks. “The one with Bonnie Raitt and EmmyLou Harris.”

I know I’m in trouble when he bursts out laughing. “That’s for the X-MEN movie.” “Oh. I see.”

Thanks to Dayv who photoshopped the above gif - it's my new desktop!

It could happen….

Ok this is a true story:
This morning at 4:55am the alarm goes off and my husband gets up to get his shower after hitting snooze twice. I try to fall back to sleep as is my custom. Suddenly, as the drool is beginning, I’m sure, the door to the bedroom bursts open and Shelden yells, “You gotta help me. You gotta help me.”
“Holy Shit, Holy Shit, Holy Shit”, I think. It could be anything when that skinny-assed, lame-fingered, diabetic is concerned. So I leap out of bed and say “What? What? What?’ (I think in 3s, especially at 5:20 am)
“I gotta tick. You have to remove it.” “A tick??? Where is it?” “It’s on my dick!!!! I have a tick on my dick!!!” “What the shit? How’d you get a tick on your dick??” “I don’t know. Just get it off. Make sure you get the head” I was pretty sure he was referring to the tick at that point.
So I go into the bathroom, get my makeup bag and grab the tweezers. Of course, the tick is on his groin, not his actual dick, so I go to work on it. “Why don’t you put on your glasses so you can actually see?” he says. He still hasn’t figured out the whole near-sighted/far-sighted thing. “Actually, I see up close better withOUT my glasses.” I say. He seems happier and lets me get down to work again. This time I get the tick – it really hasn’t latched on or anything – but it starts climbing up the tweezers. I run to the sink and turn on the water. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????” he screams. "Put it in the toilet – it’ll climb up the drain pipe. It’ll cling to the sides.” I go to the toilet and try to flick off the tick. Doesn’t the pair of tweezers fall in the toilet????

Why they were chosen - Road Trip CD 2

Take the Time – Freddy Jones Band – “Take the time to look in front of you.” And all around when you’re driving through some of that beautiful country.

We’re Not Right – David Gray – What’s wrong with us is no small thing…

Lonely Night in Georgia – Marc Broussard – Marc Broussard rocks. Hope you don’t get too lonely.

Two of Us – The Beatles – Wish I could have made the trip with you. I was there in spirit.

Hate to Lose Your Lovin’ – Little Feat – A kickin’ song, just to make you dance in the car!

Your Smiling Face – James Taylor – I have to smile myself, because I love you.

Show My Face Around – Jim Boggia – from the new CD. Another Beatlesque tune with lots of mini-moog. “I’ll just crawl back in my world of sound.” Boggia’s Mom sings at the end.

Sailin’ Shoes – Little Feat – When Neal was in Sweden he played this song on a radio station. It’s just another link to family history…. Nothing to do with the drug reference.

Prologue, Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats – Cats – One of my favorite gifts was when we went to see Cats together.

Carry On – Crosby Stills Nash and Young – “Where will you be tomorrow? Carry on, love is coming, love is coming to us all.”

Up on Cripple Creek – The Band – One of our favorite jams. Our air jam band does it real good!

Maze – 4 Way Street – Those Philly roots are represented again. “Better find another way out…”

Magic To Do – Pippin – Referring to the magic of life!

Northern Bound Train – Pete Droge – The ultimate Jam of all air band jams. Our anthem, our New Years Eve favorite!

Mexico – James Taylor – Simply because my fondest memory of this song was the night we danced around your bedroom.

You’ve Got A Friend – Carole King – She has a big butt but she can write a mean song!

Ma-Ma-Ma Belle – Electric Light Orchestra – Don’t forget to call once in a while.

Everywhere You Go – 4 Way Street – Ben Arnold’s contribution to a really great Philly local CD “You sing a silent little melody Everywhere you go”

States Where I've Urinated!




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Why they were chosen Road Trip CD 1

California – Joni Mitchell – Obvious… he’s DRIVING to California. Not so obvious… James Taylor plays guitar on this tune. When I was in college, I listened to this album (vinyl) repeatedly while drinking cheap wine. I have fond memories that I associate with this entire CD. Perhaps, my son will have some as he listens to this song on his big adventure.

The Long and Winding Road – The Beatles – Obvious…. He’s on the long and winding road. Not so obvious… it’s from Let It Be – Naked. We both got goose bumps the first time we heard this version.

Shoot The Moon – Four Way Street – Obvious… a Philly local band, Scott Bricklin and his brother Brian, or maybe it was the other way around, produced The Freakin’ Cads Escape from Philly. Not so obvious – Jim Boggia and Ben Arnold are also part of Four Way Street, an obvious reference to Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. “Once in a while your dreams come true…”

Wanted, Dead Or Alive – Mr Andy - Obvious… It’s my favorite karaoke tune, something to be remembered by. Not so obvious… Oh yes, I do karaoke – badly, but I do it. And I’ve seen some amazing performances, as has my son. I want him to laugh as he listens and remembers nights like Petey doing White Snake and Neal doing Livin’ La Vida Loca. Oh, and, Mr. Andy’s version just reeks of karaoke.

Rocksteady – Marc Broussard – Obvious… Marc Broussard ROCKS! Not so obvious… Dooner actually worked an event where Marc Broussard performed and was pleasantly surprised by the guy’s talent and demeanor! AND a very special Christmas present.

Come On! Feel the Illinoise – Sufian Stevens – Obvious… another special Christmas present. Not so obvious… Dude, you can’t be on the road trip of a lifetime and not listen to a song about Illinois. Plus the album was recorded in Clarksboro – right down 295 from where I work!

In A Daydream – Freddy Jones Band – Obvious… What compilation disc is complete without a Freddy Jones tune. Not so obvious… The lyrics – “The sky is calling, Calling out my name. Telling me just to stay, Stay and don't go away. I'm already in, In a daydream.” But go, my son, go where no Petti has gone before!

Honey Don’t Leave L.A. – James Taylor – Obvious… It’s James and it’s about leaving LA. Not so obvious… It’s James.

Several Thousand – Jim Boggia – Obvious… “Every time I see you I'm exalted.” Lyrics, of course. There is nothing like the feeling I get when my son croshes the threshold! Not so obvious… Dooner drove to Manayunk in a snow storm to get this CD for me as a Christmas present.

Teach Your Children – Crosby Stills Nash and Young – Obvious… we all want our kids to continue to honor the values we’ve instilled in them. Not so obvious… Dooner went with Neal to a CSN concert. They had 1 front row seat so they took turns sitting there. Dooner was young – maybe 15, 16. As CSN sang this song, Graham Nash noticed Dooner in the front row, reached down and shook his hand, saying “We’ve got some young ones here tonight.” When he came home, he woke me up to tell me about it. How cool is that!

Corner of the Sky – (from Pippin) – obvious… Lyrics “Every man has his daydreams. Every man has his goal. People like the way dreams have of sticking to the soul. Thunderclouds have their lightning. Nightingales have their song. And don't you see I want my life to be something more than long.... Rivers belong where they can ramble. Eagles belong where they can fly. I've got to be where my spirit can run free. Got to find my corner of the sky”. Not so obvious… One of our favorites as a musical. When Bo Bice was on American Idol, they had to sing show tunes and Dooner thought “If II were Bo, I’d sing ‘Corner of the Sky’.” Bo sang it. Yah - my son can totally do TV... no problem!

So Far Away – Carole King – obvious… Lyrics “So far away. Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore. It would be so fine to see your face at my door. It doesn't help to know, you're just time away.” Not so obvious… I miss Dooner (I’ve missed him for a year) but I want him to live his life and be successful. If it means being ‘So Far Away’, so be it.

How Sweet It Is To Be Loved by You – James Taylor – Obvious… It’s James. Not so obvious… Dooner and I share some pretty insane taste in music. James has been common ground for many, many years.

Silver Lining – Bonnie Raitt – Obvious… It’s a David Gray tune. Not so obvious… Lyrics “Step into the silence, take it in your own two hands. And sprinkle it like diamonds all across these lands. Blaze it in the morning. Wear it like an iron skin. Only things worth living for are innocence and magic, amen” You make your own magic, you make your own life. Why Bonnie Raitt? Why not?

Jesus on the Grill – Willy Porter – Obvious… a travel song. Not so obvious… we really dug Willy Porter when we saw him at Apple Farm. Funny thing, on his trip out to LA, A jackelope got all up in Dooner’s grill. I called him up and parodied the words to this song, singing “I saw rabbit on the grille…” ah well – you had to be there.

New Horizons – David Gray – Obvious… It’s David Gray… again no road trip cd can be complete without David Gray. Not so obvious… lyrics “Weight on my shoulders but I'm walking so tall out into the new horizon. Wonder in everything no matter how great or small.” How cool, a great big new adventure.

Superman – Five for Fighting – Obvious… “I can't stand to fly. I'm not that naïve. I’m just out to find the better part of me.” Well, sure, Dooner. Take this opportunity to find what you’re made of. Not so obvious… I met John Ondrasik at Singer-Song writer weekend. He’s pretty down to earth. Like Dooner.

Traffic Jam – James Taylor – Obvious… It’s James… Not so obvious… I wanted to let Dooner know that I knew it would be a tough trip, not just because of traffic. It would be a real test of stamina and patience. We all know how patient Dooner can be.

All That You Dream – Little Feat – Obvious… Well it IS Little Feat, after all. Not so obvious… “All, all that you dream comes to shine in silver lining. And clouds, clouds change the scene. Rain starts washing all these cautions right into your life, make you realize just what is true. What else can I do just follow the rule keep your eyes on the road that's ahead of you.” Just do it!

Sending your son on the road trip of a life time…

Get a phone call on a Tuesday from the 31-year old appendage commonly known as ”son”. It goes something like this….
Son: Yeah, well, so I start my new job in Santa Monica on Monday.
Me: hmmm
S: Well, I’m driving. I’ll need my car out there.
M: hmmmm
S: um
M: hmmm
S: Let’s see, my car has been sitting in the driveway for 6 months and has no insurance…
M: hmmmm
S: yeah and apparently my license has been revoked because I got a ticket in NY and I neglected to pay it.
M: hmmm
S: Dad said he will drive up here to Hoboken on Thursday morning to help me move my shit out of here. Then maybe I can get the car inspected sometime during the day Thursday so I can leave Friday morning.
M: hmmmm
S: Yeah and well I’m so busy finishing out this job, I’ll never have time to figure out insurance and getting my license reinstated and getting the car serviced for the trip.
M: hmmmm
S: Thanks, Mom
M: hmmm

So, of course, I get home from work on Thursday with the knowledge that I’ve helped pave the road West. The car is sitting in the driveway, serviced and inspected, driven by someone with a newly reinstated license AND new insurance.
In addition to the many phone calls I’ve made during the week, I make a lovely dinner for son, husband and PopPop – a dinner, which by the way, has not escaped the scrutiny of husband who whines as usual, even though I’ve made a salad with ICEBERG lettuce.
The family shows up to celebrate the nephew/cousin who will now embark on a journey that none of us have ever conceived of, given that we all live within a 10 mile radius. Some of us live across the street from one another, some of us on the same street more or less.
It is mostly an excuse for cousins to drink together. Aunts, uncles, parents, etc., do their bit and help with the alcohol consumption, good wishes and monetary gifts. I kick them all out at 11 knowing that 5:00 will come all too soon. And it does.