last year before Christmas as I was shopping for groceries, I suddenly filled up with tears and sadness... nothing in particular seemed to be the reason - not the store music, or canned goods aisle or the season - just that overwhelming sense of loss. And after 11 years i was puzzled that it should have occurred.
An acquaintance happened to be approaching in the opposite direction and asked if I was ok "just having a mommy moment" I explained. Today I have that overwhelming sadness surrounding me.
Back before my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I started running. I did it more for me because I had just had a benign tumor removed from my right breast and after that scare, I felt that exercise and clean living would help me fight diseases like cancer and heart disease which seem to have a place in our family. When mom was first diagnosed in 1991, I was running 5k's pretty regularly. And in April of 1995, when we found out the cancer moved to her liver, I was training for a marathon. She died on October 6 and I ran the marathon on Ooctober 21. Up until last year, my brother, Chris, and I ran the Race for The Cure in Philadelphia which is held on Mother's Dday. Bad feet and a bad back, in my case, had me walking most of the 3 miles. Last year it was terrible weather so we didn't go for the first time. Now Chris has bad health issues and we're not doing it but my heart and my registration fee is with everyone who runs to raise money for breast cancer research.
After mom died, it was a full year before I dreamed about her but the dream was that I was talking to her on the phone which is something that I did every day she lived after the liver cancer diagnosis. The sense of calm and serenity helped me at a very low point in my life.
I am blessed with a healthy marriage and family nearby and this time of year we support each other through the pain. Last year, mother's day was so hard for me because our son was in California. With any luck, he will be arriving this afternoon and staying through tomorrow - a proper Mother's Day!
My dad came to the show last night. I didn't know he was there - thought he was coming tonight. I heard his laugh and thought "There can't be two people with that laugh!" Sure enough, well into the 1st act, I spotted him and Peg and Pat. After the show, he told me he was proud of me and I was close to tears. I have dedicated these performances to my mom because she really was a "lady" and tried hard to raise me as a proper one. I have occasional lapses, but I try really hard to emulate her.