last year before Christmas as I was shopping for groceries, I suddenly filled up with tears and sadness... nothing in particular seemed to be the reason - not the store music, or canned goods aisle or the season - just that overwhelming sense of loss. And after 11 years i was puzzled that it should have occurred.
An acquaintance happened to be approaching in the opposite direction and asked if I was ok "just having a mommy moment" I explained. Today I have that overwhelming sadness surrounding me.
Back before my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I started running. I did it more for me because I had just had a benign tumor removed from my right breast and after that scare, I felt that exercise and clean living would help me fight diseases like cancer and heart disease which seem to have a place in our family. When mom was first diagnosed in 1991, I was running 5k's pretty regularly. And in April of 1995, when we found out the cancer moved to her liver, I was training for a marathon. She died on October 6 and I ran the marathon on Ooctober 21. Up until last year, my brother, Chris, and I ran the Race for The Cure in Philadelphia which is held on Mother's Dday. Bad feet and a bad back, in my case, had me walking most of the 3 miles. Last year it was terrible weather so we didn't go for the first time. Now Chris has bad health issues and we're not doing it but my heart and my registration fee is with everyone who runs to raise money for breast cancer research.
After mom died, it was a full year before I dreamed about her but the dream was that I was talking to her on the phone which is something that I did every day she lived after the liver cancer diagnosis. The sense of calm and serenity helped me at a very low point in my life.
I am blessed with a healthy marriage and family nearby and this time of year we support each other through the pain. Last year, mother's day was so hard for me because our son was in California. With any luck, he will be arriving this afternoon and staying through tomorrow - a proper Mother's Day!
My dad came to the show last night. I didn't know he was there - thought he was coming tonight. I heard his laugh and thought "There can't be two people with that laugh!" Sure enough, well into the 1st act, I spotted him and Peg and Pat. After the show, he told me he was proud of me and I was close to tears. I have dedicated these performances to my mom because she really was a "lady" and tried hard to raise me as a proper one. I have occasional lapses, but I try really hard to emulate her.

Wow what a couple of amazing weeks. I feel like all I’ve been doing is sleeping, exercising, working, rehearsing and playing – oh wait… That’s exactly what I’ve been doing! Oh and a salad here and there…

Of course there was my little brother’s 40th birthday party last weekend and that was a total rockfest. He’s been in a lot of bands and there were representatives from several of them – Skinny Dick and the Wranglers , Ruder Than You, China White, and of course Ernie and Neal . And there were performances by all of them – all unrehearsed and still solid as a rock. Even Dooner and Denise performed.

Neal turning 40 was huge because he is the baby and it makes all of the rest of us feel ancient. I was 15 when he was born and my mom and dad had my younger brother, Rob, and I as godparents. I guess after 6 kids, they had gone as deep as they dared for godparents. There were probably 150 people there – well, our family counts for about 35 people and Denise’s family is another 12 or so. So she rented a hall with a stage and it totally rocked!

Of course we had rehearsal on Sunday so we were a little shaky but all in all, the week passed quickly and the performances have been really well done! The high school kids are amazing – their voices are so strong and they’ve worked hard and it shows in their energy and enthusiasm.

And it's so amazing to be in the pit when Marky and Neal are playing together!

For me, this week should be a little easier because I only have one rehearsal and that’s Wednesday night. I have Big River at the high school Thursday morning, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night and then I’m full on rehearsing for Man of LaMancha the last week in April. MOLM opens May 4.

We’re actually going out to dinner Tuesday night with our friends and, maybe, Dooner will be home a few days.

I will miss a rehearsal for Man Of LaMancha because of a Big River performance tonight. The cast is awesome and their voices are just wonderful. I’m playing guitar in a few scenes and I’ve been reading the music because I don’t have it memorized yet. I’m sure by opening, I’ll be ok but for right now, I’ll just be nervous.

And it looks like plans for moving are up in the air again… which is fine with me. I guess we’re going to try to ride the summer out and see what shakes out with Shelden’s company. It is a lot of ups and downs to deal with, but I’m not alone in the dealing and it’s gotta be rough on Shelden because his future is totally messed up!

I’m thankful that I have these shows to keep my mind off of the decision making and stuff. I guess we’ll spend the summer having yard sales and emptying the basement and attic. But for now - I'll have fun!

Happy 55th Birthday to me!
I got up this morning, fully intending to go to the gym. I haven’t gone for 2 weeks mainly because I’ve had a stupid sinus thing and also because I’ve really been tired because someone has been snoring a lot. So I fall back to sleep instead of getting up.
Today, I didn’t fall back to sleep. I got up and checked my email and noticed I had a voice message on my cell phone. Apparently, one of the night shift supervisors called because someone was locked out of their computer. I guess it got resolved because I checked this morning and the person wasn’t locked out anymore.
I checked my work email and realized that the woman I was helping last night still had some printing issues. I can’t for the life of me figure out wtf they are doing over there! She’s a really nice lady so I’ll probably try to get over to her building today and actually watch, in person, what they’re doing.
When Shel left for work this morning, he said “Why don’t you come straight to Neal and Denise’s tonight instead of stopping here when you come home form work? And bring the camera.” Well I’ve been walking around with the camera in my pocket for a couple of weeks now, so that was a no brainer. Then I remembered it needed to be charged so I spent some time looking for the charger but, because I didn’t have my contacts in and I’ve lost my glasses, I couldn’t find it readily. I started cursing and realized I’d have to take a shower and get my lenses in… and since we’re having “Important visitors” today at work, I decided to find something that fits and looks more professional than jeans.
At this point I had procrastinated enough that it was impossible to go to the gym and get to work on time. So, I showered, got my yogurt together, found the charger, packed up and walked out the door.
Oh, I forgot to mention that it started pouring last night – I’m not sure what time, but I realized when I was doing my crossword puzzle in bed last night that it was lulling me to sleep, slowly but surely, which is why I never heard my cell phone ring at 10:30 last night.
So it’s kind of dismal today and it’s also trash day. As I walked out to my car, I noticed that the trash can lid was lying in the street and the trash can was empty, yet turned on it side awaiting a blast to blow it down the street towards Sue’s house. I picked up the trash can and lid and deposited them in the little corral that Shelden built, picked up the newspaper and ran back into the house to wash my hands. By the time I got in my car, my pant legs were soaked, front and back. Then I had to stop at the bank and since my bank is presently housed in a trailer, I was bathed again in rain.
At this point, I’m dried off and smiling still. In retrospect, it’s been a great week , what with Gianni’s birth, a nice snow storm, Dooner’s return from LA and a small gathering of family tonight at Neal and Denise’s. Oh and the wonderful birthday greetings I received by email and regular mail. And also the great song mix being played on LaunchCast this morning – Your Smiling Face, Dixie Chicken, Lawyers, Guns and Money, You’ve Got A Friend, Welcome to the Jungle, Tommy Can You Hear Me, Shake It Up, Free Bird, even some Sousa!
So we’ll see how the rest of the day goes. Maybe lunch with co-workers. And have you seen those photos of Saturn???

So I woke up this morning after a very restless night. Worried about my sister in law and the baby to come. She'd been contracting since Thursday but wasn't dilating. She was very uncomfortable. She went into the hospital yesterday but nothing much was happenning.

We had a funeral to go to this morning - before we left, Neal called and said that Denise's mom didn't want to go to the hospital so if Sue and I wanted to come over - it would be cool! SO we went to the viewing and paid our respects... very sad.

But then we went to the hospital and were allowed to be in the labor and delivery. Denise was unbelievable too- when we got there they had given her an epidural so she wasn't in much pain - just pressure from the contractions. And before we knew it, the doctor was there telling her to push.

We stayed at the hospital til about 3:30 - then I came back for church. Shel and I went out for Chinese food and my fortune read:

You see pictures in poems and poems in pictures. Here's a poem titled Gianni Robert

It was a wonderful Christmas holiday for me.
It started off on Friday morning at 3:30 am. I went in to work early to help with the holiday celebration for 1st shift. Such a diverse group – Indian, Hispanic, Filipino, Vietnamese – makes for an array of goodies, which they prepare in bulk and share with each other. This year the celebration was a little subdued. The death of a co-worker in a car accident during the previous week made for a celebration filled with thanks. There was no dancing this year but the food was amazing – curried chicken for breakfast at 5 am was a real treat!
Having a whole weekend to prepare wasn’t even time enough! I thought that going into work early, I’d leave much earlier than I did, take a nap and plow through some housecleaning and gift-wrapping. I came home and collapsed and never really got up the gumption to do any more than watch mindless TV.
So Saturday morning I went to the gym and when I came back, we blitzed through the house, straightening and cleaning. Then I began preparing food for Christmas Eve. I planned on having some of it catered, but I also wanted something extra special nice because this will be our last hosting of Christmas Eve with the Smith family. So I planned a menu:
Antipasti - Caesar salad
Primo Piati - Ravioli and Meatballs
Secundo Piati – Prime Rib, Yukon Gold Smashed Potatoes, Green Bean Casserole (catered)
Dessert – lots o stuff
There wasn’t much to wrap, but I got the presents organized, then I organized a rehearsal for Christmas Mas. We had a nice wind ensemble of 2 trumpets, clarinet, flute, alto sax, 3 trombones, tuba and cello – along with 2 guitars, keyboard and vocals.
Christmas Eve I got up and set the table, reorganized music for Mass, made more meatballs, got out all the serving pieces, got ready for Mass, went and picked up the catered portion of dinner and left for Mass, which was beautiful. Dooner and Shelden both were there.
We got out of Mass and Dooner gave us our Christmas Present – a brand new digital camera that is totally awesome! Family began to assemble. The nieces brought appetizers, Santa arrived and we were well on our way to a wonderful night…. Until my husband had my brother-in-law cut the prime rib before I had served the ravioli and meatballs. Ah well – It was fine and dandy!

So it was one of those particularly horrible days and I had to call home to get messages because I was expecting a doctor’s office to return a call. The doctor’s office was just another part of the horror of the day. So I dialed our voice mail and this is the message that greeted me:

Um
Aunt Peg and Uncle Shelden…
I want you to come over.
But…
Um, I’ll give you some roses if you come over one night.
And when it’s fall, we’ll both jump in the leaves.
When it’s winter, we’ll both eat snow.
And in spring, when can pick flowers.
And when it’s February, we can go see the baby.
And summer, we can go in the pool one time.
Bye.

I saved the message and it’s good for another 15 days. I sent a copy to myself so maybe I can keep doing that and when it disappears, I’ll still have it to listen to on those other horrible days!
Everyone should have a message like this one!

October 6, 1995
The day that changed my life... I'm feeling a little sad and a little angry. What's the line that Joni Mitchell sings, "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone".
It was funny because when we were in Italy, Erika sent Sue and email and she said, "I never realized how many times a day I call my mom." Yah, Er. Me, too!
I can't call my mom OR email her... she's just someplace where she can't get those physical messages. Maybe she hears my heart calling out to her. Maybe she hears my prayers. Maybe she feels my tears. I don't know. I just miss her a lot.
I'm pissed because she has three granddaughters she hasn't even seen... Three granddaughters who've never met her... never felt her warmth. Never shared her laugh...
Yeah, Er. I just never realized either.

Summer's Gone... Pretty much!!!
Today we're heading for the shore in the remnants of Ernesto. It's a bit chilly and it's certainly raining. Last night, Shel thought it would be good to take an inch or so out of the pool given the amount of rain we were anticipating. When we woke up this morning, we expected to see the pool near to cresting... Nope - It was actually 3 inches emptier!
How might this happen, you ask. Simple - someone, who shall remain nameless, forgot to turn the valve off and the pool emptied itself overnight! It's still raining so perhaps it will fill some more. In any case we're not in any rush to get to the shore so I thought I'd spend some time updating.
This was a fun summer in many ways. Mike carpooled with me so the drive to and from work was usually pleasant, not to mention raucous. We laughed a lot... From the first Deer Park truck that began our drive to the Asbury sign at the end of our drive. A lot of in-between included the distasteful green building that had the word "adult" painted in black letters on the sides, the guys at the bus stops (the guy who was monochromatic by the pizza place, and the one down by the pub that has changed it's reopening date 3 times), the crazy turbaned drivers including the many that park in our lot at work and the mad dash across 6 lanes of highway traffic going 65 mph.
So, yesterday as I drove to work, I realized that there was little traffic , owing to a holiday weekend. There wasn't a Deer Park truck to be seen and the only laughter was my own, as I listened to WIP sports talk radio. I was thinking that it would be an uneventful ride, when I happened upon the distasteful green building and noticed a gentleman pushing a mop in a yellow bucket on wheels. I immediately skeeved and at present refuse to conjure up the image because thinking of what that guy was mopping - aaaaagggghhhh - I can't do it.

Saturday was somewhat of a celebration. The weather was threatening but it didn't stop friends and family from gathering to welcome the Bald-headed Wonder back to Cinnaminson.

An opportunity in NYC brought Dooner East and he had the weekend off so he took the train and visited with us. It was very weird having him home - I'm thinking that we've sort of gotten used to it just being the two of us in this house.

In any case, it didn't rain and I didn't cry. The food was yummy and the laughs were many. Tim's shirt was salmon! There are more pictures if you click this link :

http://www.flickr.com/photos/28922249@N00/

We hope to see him a few more times before he returns to California! If the weather's nice on September 9th, we'll go up to Madison Square Park and check out the venue like we did last year. And perhaps he'll have a few days to stop home again at the end of his gig, do some laundry and catch up with a bunch of other folks.

I'm looking forward to that :-)

So this is what I've done this summer:
I joined the Golden Eagle Community Band so I could brush up on my bass playing skills. We played a variety of music: marches, show tunes, standards, some pop. I really liked the Sousa marches, Liberty Bell turned out to be my favorite because we played it the night of the fireworks in the Shade. On the way home, Mike and Mark sang it from start to finish. I laughed until I cried.
I've gotten to Wildwood twice. It's so relaxing. I love the deck especially in the morning, drinking coffee as people walk, jog or bike by. It's so beautiful there. I hope to get back soon.
We remodeled the powder room which was just insane because it took SO long. The result is that it looks good and it works.

Why they were chosen - Road Trip CD 2

Take the Time – Freddy Jones Band – “Take the time to look in front of you.” And all around when you’re driving through some of that beautiful country.

We’re Not Right – David Gray – What’s wrong with us is no small thing…

Lonely Night in Georgia – Marc Broussard – Marc Broussard rocks. Hope you don’t get too lonely.

Two of Us – The Beatles – Wish I could have made the trip with you. I was there in spirit.

Hate to Lose Your Lovin’ – Little Feat – A kickin’ song, just to make you dance in the car!

Your Smiling Face – James Taylor – I have to smile myself, because I love you.

Show My Face Around – Jim Boggia – from the new CD. Another Beatlesque tune with lots of mini-moog. “I’ll just crawl back in my world of sound.” Boggia’s Mom sings at the end.

Sailin’ Shoes – Little Feat – When Neal was in Sweden he played this song on a radio station. It’s just another link to family history…. Nothing to do with the drug reference.

Prologue, Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats – Cats – One of my favorite gifts was when we went to see Cats together.

Carry On – Crosby Stills Nash and Young – “Where will you be tomorrow? Carry on, love is coming, love is coming to us all.”

Up on Cripple Creek – The Band – One of our favorite jams. Our air jam band does it real good!

Maze – 4 Way Street – Those Philly roots are represented again. “Better find another way out…”

Magic To Do – Pippin – Referring to the magic of life!

Northern Bound Train – Pete Droge – The ultimate Jam of all air band jams. Our anthem, our New Years Eve favorite!

Mexico – James Taylor – Simply because my fondest memory of this song was the night we danced around your bedroom.

You’ve Got A Friend – Carole King – She has a big butt but she can write a mean song!

Ma-Ma-Ma Belle – Electric Light Orchestra – Don’t forget to call once in a while.

Everywhere You Go – 4 Way Street – Ben Arnold’s contribution to a really great Philly local CD “You sing a silent little melody Everywhere you go”

Why they were chosen Road Trip CD 1

California – Joni Mitchell – Obvious… he’s DRIVING to California. Not so obvious… James Taylor plays guitar on this tune. When I was in college, I listened to this album (vinyl) repeatedly while drinking cheap wine. I have fond memories that I associate with this entire CD. Perhaps, my son will have some as he listens to this song on his big adventure.

The Long and Winding Road – The Beatles – Obvious…. He’s on the long and winding road. Not so obvious… it’s from Let It Be – Naked. We both got goose bumps the first time we heard this version.

Shoot The Moon – Four Way Street – Obvious… a Philly local band, Scott Bricklin and his brother Brian, or maybe it was the other way around, produced The Freakin’ Cads Escape from Philly. Not so obvious – Jim Boggia and Ben Arnold are also part of Four Way Street, an obvious reference to Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. “Once in a while your dreams come true…”

Wanted, Dead Or Alive – Mr Andy - Obvious… It’s my favorite karaoke tune, something to be remembered by. Not so obvious… Oh yes, I do karaoke – badly, but I do it. And I’ve seen some amazing performances, as has my son. I want him to laugh as he listens and remembers nights like Petey doing White Snake and Neal doing Livin’ La Vida Loca. Oh, and, Mr. Andy’s version just reeks of karaoke.

Rocksteady – Marc Broussard – Obvious… Marc Broussard ROCKS! Not so obvious… Dooner actually worked an event where Marc Broussard performed and was pleasantly surprised by the guy’s talent and demeanor! AND a very special Christmas present.

Come On! Feel the Illinoise – Sufian Stevens – Obvious… another special Christmas present. Not so obvious… Dude, you can’t be on the road trip of a lifetime and not listen to a song about Illinois. Plus the album was recorded in Clarksboro – right down 295 from where I work!

In A Daydream – Freddy Jones Band – Obvious… What compilation disc is complete without a Freddy Jones tune. Not so obvious… The lyrics – “The sky is calling, Calling out my name. Telling me just to stay, Stay and don't go away. I'm already in, In a daydream.” But go, my son, go where no Petti has gone before!

Honey Don’t Leave L.A. – James Taylor – Obvious… It’s James and it’s about leaving LA. Not so obvious… It’s James.

Several Thousand – Jim Boggia – Obvious… “Every time I see you I'm exalted.” Lyrics, of course. There is nothing like the feeling I get when my son croshes the threshold! Not so obvious… Dooner drove to Manayunk in a snow storm to get this CD for me as a Christmas present.

Teach Your Children – Crosby Stills Nash and Young – Obvious… we all want our kids to continue to honor the values we’ve instilled in them. Not so obvious… Dooner went with Neal to a CSN concert. They had 1 front row seat so they took turns sitting there. Dooner was young – maybe 15, 16. As CSN sang this song, Graham Nash noticed Dooner in the front row, reached down and shook his hand, saying “We’ve got some young ones here tonight.” When he came home, he woke me up to tell me about it. How cool is that!

Corner of the Sky – (from Pippin) – obvious… Lyrics “Every man has his daydreams. Every man has his goal. People like the way dreams have of sticking to the soul. Thunderclouds have their lightning. Nightingales have their song. And don't you see I want my life to be something more than long.... Rivers belong where they can ramble. Eagles belong where they can fly. I've got to be where my spirit can run free. Got to find my corner of the sky”. Not so obvious… One of our favorites as a musical. When Bo Bice was on American Idol, they had to sing show tunes and Dooner thought “If II were Bo, I’d sing ‘Corner of the Sky’.” Bo sang it. Yah - my son can totally do TV... no problem!

So Far Away – Carole King – obvious… Lyrics “So far away. Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore. It would be so fine to see your face at my door. It doesn't help to know, you're just time away.” Not so obvious… I miss Dooner (I’ve missed him for a year) but I want him to live his life and be successful. If it means being ‘So Far Away’, so be it.

How Sweet It Is To Be Loved by You – James Taylor – Obvious… It’s James. Not so obvious… Dooner and I share some pretty insane taste in music. James has been common ground for many, many years.

Silver Lining – Bonnie Raitt – Obvious… It’s a David Gray tune. Not so obvious… Lyrics “Step into the silence, take it in your own two hands. And sprinkle it like diamonds all across these lands. Blaze it in the morning. Wear it like an iron skin. Only things worth living for are innocence and magic, amen” You make your own magic, you make your own life. Why Bonnie Raitt? Why not?

Jesus on the Grill – Willy Porter – Obvious… a travel song. Not so obvious… we really dug Willy Porter when we saw him at Apple Farm. Funny thing, on his trip out to LA, A jackelope got all up in Dooner’s grill. I called him up and parodied the words to this song, singing “I saw rabbit on the grille…” ah well – you had to be there.

New Horizons – David Gray – Obvious… It’s David Gray… again no road trip cd can be complete without David Gray. Not so obvious… lyrics “Weight on my shoulders but I'm walking so tall out into the new horizon. Wonder in everything no matter how great or small.” How cool, a great big new adventure.

Superman – Five for Fighting – Obvious… “I can't stand to fly. I'm not that naïve. I’m just out to find the better part of me.” Well, sure, Dooner. Take this opportunity to find what you’re made of. Not so obvious… I met John Ondrasik at Singer-Song writer weekend. He’s pretty down to earth. Like Dooner.

Traffic Jam – James Taylor – Obvious… It’s James… Not so obvious… I wanted to let Dooner know that I knew it would be a tough trip, not just because of traffic. It would be a real test of stamina and patience. We all know how patient Dooner can be.

All That You Dream – Little Feat – Obvious… Well it IS Little Feat, after all. Not so obvious… “All, all that you dream comes to shine in silver lining. And clouds, clouds change the scene. Rain starts washing all these cautions right into your life, make you realize just what is true. What else can I do just follow the rule keep your eyes on the road that's ahead of you.” Just do it!