Be Kind To Your Colon!

So-o-o-o… last week I experienced a miracle of modern medicine – the colonoscopy. I’m over 50 and have never had one so it was time. Having put it off for four years, I truly wasn’t looking forward to the adventure but decided it would be worth it in the end (ha, get it). Besides, it will be five years before I need another one and if I’m lucky I can put that off as well.
The procedure was scheduled for Friday so the fun began Thursday morning. I took my happy pill at 4 am with a piece of pretzel and that was the last solid food to be consumed for the next 36 hours or so. I drank sprite and beef consommé – never did get around to the chicken broth.
I left work early to set up VPN access for the human resources director of our company. She’s having knee replacement surgery and because she’s in so much pain, can work from home where she’ll be comfortable… also on days like Monday, when she has pre-admission testing from 10:00 to 2:00, she can work – do the testing and work without having to drive 60 miles round trip to work.
Oh, so, I got home at 4:15 and took the first 4 Visicol tablets with 8 ounces of water. 15 minutes later, the next 4 tablets with 8 ounces of water, etc., until I had consumed 20 of these gigantic pills that I gagged on by the end of the preparation. These lovely white gems draw water to your colon so that, um, things will start moving… which they did within an hour of the last pill sequence… just like the literature stated. I kind of just lay in bed and watched TV to take my mind off of everything.
Then at 9:00 pm, I took 4 – count ‘em, 4 – Dulcolax tablets and things really started happening. I guess I finally drifted off to sleep at 10:30 pm and awoke at 4:00 am for the final clean out. All in all, it wasn’t painful or uncomfortable. It just was!
Shel stayed home and took me to Voorhees for the procedure, after stopping at WaWa for coffee and cigarettes. By now, I had a bad headache from caffeine withdrawal. We got to the medical center and the stupid benefits credit card didn’t work so I had to write a check for $200 – awesome, huh!!
Eventually, they called me and Shel went to get breakfast. I got an IV, a hospital gown, robe and those little socks with treads. I walked into the operating/procedure room, hopped on the stretcher and was told to lie on my side. A nurse injected something into my IV and I asked if it would make me say stupid things. She said, “You won’t even have time to say…” I don’t know what else she said because the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room.
The nurses were very cheerful and were actually singing Mellow Yellow, which they thought was a Beatles’ song. I let them know that it was Donovan. They were pretty young to really have known that. Then they were singing Lola by the Kinks and I think they though that was also by Donovan…It’s ok, like I said, they were pretty young.
Then the doctor came in and said everything looked good – no cancer – maybe some colitis. He took some biopsies and said “No aspirin, Motrin, etc. for a week. Follow up with me in three weeks and we’ll go over the biopsies.” He even showed me the pictures!
So, all in all, I’m pretty proud of my colon and decided to share a view with my friends. I sent an email with the following text:
The miracle of modern medicine makes it possible for me to share an image of my healthy colon... after a bunch of biopsies, i'm doing a-ok. NO CANCER - that was never even in the thought process... I'm just over 50 and never had one... maybe colitis but we have to wait for biopsy results...
... oh yeah, if it had been ERNIE'S colon it would've been funny.... I see how it is!
My friends immediately made comments like –
LOOKS LIKE THE INSIDE OF THE TERRACOTTA WINE COOLER!! – Tim
See,
If it was me, I would have had part of my colon removed.
Just so I could say that I had a semi-colon.
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
Fmwah,
Ernie
IF WE'RE HAVING A CONVERSATION ABOUT YOUR COLON, DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE HAVING A COLIN POW WOW? (BABA WAWA) – Tim again
An oldie but goodie – Jeff who sent this picture of his famous broken finger surgery…

And that about ends it for Be Kind To Your Colon week.